Dear Bee,
One of my clients is hinting emotional eating tendencies. She’s also an alcoholic. She struggles with compulsion and often finds herself compensating “one vice for another.”
This is hard. I relate all too well.
My lunch was unplanned, because I ate out with some friends at my agency, and it was too big for my liking. I feel too full. It was too greasy, too carb-y. On a “restrictive” day, I would feel tempted to skip eating for the rest of the day. On a “binge” day, I feel tempted to keep going…because, hello, I’ve already fucked it up.
^^^^^^
I wrote that last paragraph an hour and a half ago to see if my black-and-white thinking would change at all. It has. It’s now been almost two hours since eating. I’m not going to restrict. I’m not going to binge. One meal doesn’t mean I’ve fucked up. One meal doesn’t mean much in the scheme of life. One meal means I enjoyed what I ate, even if it was a little too much, and that, just like everything else, it will digest and eventually metabolize in my body. One meal is nothing.
Changing thinking is so much harder than changing behavior. Changing behavior only skims the dirty surface; it ignores the residue and layers underneath. Thoughts are much harder to tackle. For instance, it’s not necessarily hard to PREVENT a binge, but I once found it nearly impossible to STOP a binge if it already started. All-or-nothing; that was my way of thinking. My friend is the same with alcohol. She can’t be satisfied with one drink. She doesn’t stop until she passes out. That’s the addict mindset. The other night, for instance, I got a little snack-y and indulged just a bit to realize I was treading that dangerous “yellow zone” in between feeling calm and feeling triggered. Typically, it goes yellow to red. I find it much harder to go from yellow to green, but the other night, that’s exactly what I did. I just sat with the discomfort and waited for it to pass. It took the whole damn night, but it passed.
And yesterday, I spent the day hiking and soaking in the gorgeous California sunshine. I was so proud of my strong body. I was so proud to be me. I am slowly learning how to sit with discomfort. To give into my eating disorder is not an option, no matter how much it tempts me, no matter how much I want to rationalize or justify doing it just once. Even though I did not make a New Year’s Resolution, I am proud that I have made it two weeks into 2014 without engaging in my eating disorder ONCE. That’s something worth celebrating. I may not be perfect, but I’m trying, and that’s all I can ask for myself. The most challenging tests are the ones we take against ourselves, but this is one I know I can win. I have the strength, support, and self-love to fight against my desire to self-harm. Day by day, that’s all this takes. Choice by choice. Meal by meal.
I am doing good enough because I am good enough.
It’s 3:33pm. The day is mine; it’s not my eating disorder’s. That’s a choice I’m making today.
