Dear Bee,
I’m writing this letter knowing that I’m probably going to binge later. I’ve already started a bit. Just because I feel so tense and so out of control and so all over the place, and I don’t want to feel my feelings, nor do I want to sit with them. I don’t want to do anything but isolate myself with you. That’s when it gets scary, you know, when I actually isolate myself to be sick.
I just want to give myself permission to do it. I don’t want to work the recovery right now. It just seems too hard.
I know this is distorted. I don’t care. This is the time when I’m supposed to intervene, when I’m supposed to reach out and use my coping tools…but I don’t want to. I would rather just sulk in my own misery.
Eating disorders are terrible. They really are. They are conniving and painstaking. They are a measure of endurance.
I’d rather feel internal pain than external stress. I’d rather avoid than be vulnerable. I’d rather stuff my fears than risk being exposed to them. I romanticize this eating disorder, when really, it’s a monster.The eloquent writing makes it seem as if we can somehow capture the patterns of mental illness in a predictable, almost whimsical notion, but that is not always the truth. This is when it is difficult: when I know with 100% certainty that bingeing is not the right answer, but I consequently also know with 100% certainty that bingeing is the only thing I want to do right now. Binge to ease the anger of bingeing. It’s a fucked-up cycle, but one that I’m used to.
And I can tell myself tomorrow will be different, because it will be. My mind, like most, is wired to believe that somehow, after the magical minute of 12:01am, I have a clean slate. We call this all-or-nothing thinking. Mess up just a bit, and the day is ruined. Again, awareness of the distortion can only take us so far.
I need an action-based preventative plan, and I am in the works of making it right now. I feel like I’ve experimented A LOT: I’ve done individual therapy, group therapy, twelve-step work, medication, reading and writing. I’ve done meditation, exercise, this diet, that diet, no diet, etc. Some work better than others. All have their flaws. There is no perfect remedy to this calamity. I have to stop expecting perfection, and I have to account for the very real understanding that my eating disorder will always find a way to turn me back to the food. It doesn’t matter what mood I’m in. An alcoholic will always find an excuse to drink. I will always find an excuse to eat (or not eat) depending on which end of the spectrum I oscillate towards.
Time to go back to the basics.
1. Begin using the Recovery Record app again.
2. Blog consistently.
3. Make a conscious effort to meditate everyday.
4. Eat three meals and two snacks. Actually go back to cooking and preparing food so I can account for 14-hour workdays…instead of somehow convincing myself I can survive on just yogurt and an apple.
5. Go back to Gratitude. 10 things that make me grateful every damn day. Because there’s a lot in this life worth appreciating.
I’m giving myself permission to binge. I’m not going to resist it right now. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. We’ll see how this goes. Appreciate all your lovely support during these past few days. You guys are a blessing :)
