Dear Bee,
It is 9:12am. I worked out and just ate a satisfying breakfast…and I already want to binge. That’s just wonderful. These past three days have made me so irritable, frustrated, and annoyed. I know I’m under some stress, and I know I’m not taking the healthy steps to combat that anxiety. Instead, I’m dangerously flirting with you, because you’re promising a fool-proof way to numb me of my pain and alleviate the sadness and despair…you’re basically screaming at me, telling me to just fuck it all.
Ugh.
I actually just looked around my kitchen and cupboards at all the foods I could indulge in. I feel like a drug fiend. Thankfully, none of them seemed that appealing, and I know that even one bite will send me into a tailspin spiral at this point. I do not want to spend another day sick, bloated, foggy, and miserable. And that is precisely what will happen: that’s the cost of indulging in your sins. So, I’m just making some coffee and going to leave it at that.
This is a funk I absolutely need to pull myself out of and soon. I’m treading in dangerous waters right now. I cannot give into you: I just cannot do that.
Recovery is in my hands; it is precious, but slippery, and I need to grasp onto it as best I can. I need to treat myself kindly today. I know you don’t want me to do that; you want me to stay miserable and lonely and negative. You love me best when I am weak.
I am telling myself that I am worthy of my own love. Because I am. I am so strong and I am doing SO WELL in this recovery process. My life has changed 100% in one year in almost every aspect, from friendships to relationships to school to work, and I have to be gentle and forgiving myself. I am doing a GREAT JOB. I am proud of myself. I am working hard and learning new lessons every single day. This is just another stepping stone, and I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful, because this is just a feeling, and like all feelings, it too shall pass. I love myself to walk away and resist the urge to abuse and punish myself. I love myself enough to know that I am BETTER and just MORE POWERFUL than you will ever be.
